this is the second part of the confessions of  adviser’s / relationship managers

some of the things that i wish to tell my client, but cannot!

1. When I asked you to sell (index 21000) you said ‘it will go to 25,000. Later on you say “You did not say it strongly enough”. Man, you are a genius!

2. Every time I ask you to increase the SIP amount you say you cannot. Yet every 6 months you ask me “when can I retire”. Hey Jerk you cannot retire. Simple.

3. If all the experts on tv are put together you will get your great “Investment confusion plan”. Please print it and implement it. It can make a great reality show.

4. At no time I can be sure you trust me. Surely the sex appeal of a ‘……….” bank employee I cannot provide. Sorry.

5. We advisers deal with money. That sadly means older people. So our enthusiasm is higher if you are younger and attractive. However the best advise is for the people with bigger cheques. Sorry!

6. Most advisers do not have an adviser. They are just too incompetent!!!

7. When an adviser says you need to have Rs. 5 crores for retiring, he/ she means Rs. 10 – 12 crores. The extra amount is for the stupid things you will do with your money while investing!! If you do not  ‘s#$%w’ around with your portfolio, you will need less!

8. If you really cannot afford my fee I will waive it. But goodammit! you are coming to me for investing!!! You cannot be poor can you?

9. Upwards of 90% of advisers do not have a written financial plan. After all Goldman Sachs believes ‘advise’ is for selling, not adhereing.

10. When we meet we agree that bad advisers should be reported – but… know how it goes. Where do we start?!

11. When it comes to one family member cheating another MANY of us turn a blind eye….

12. Just because I do not charge you on a per hour basis, it does not mean you can take your phone calls in my room during our meeting!

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  1. Think you can look at clients more charitably than this.Frankly this holier then thou attitude is not going to help anyone.Of course you are right on some points but even then the tone is very aggressive.

  2. Man that was harsh, but hilarious. I wanted to treat my mutual fund agent well, but his appearance, his lack of basic knowledge, etc. puts me off. I just use him as an overpaid courier, I do my own research. However if i do invest in a fund say at an nav of Rs. 30, the day it reaches 34 he starts pestering me to redeem. I have now told him, i am looking at selling only after it crosses 300. An easier solution looks like shifting to dividend reinvestment 🙂

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