this is the second part of the confessions of  adviser’s / relationship managers…I had done the first part long ago. Yes ALL ARE TRUE, and may sound harsh.

I have seen some so called intellectuals ignoring the effort of an advisor and going to a ‘wealth manager’ who actuall damages the wealth. Recently I heard of a professor shifting his Rs. 80L portfolio to a bank and is now down (YES IN THIS MARKET!!) AND latest has bought a pension plan peddled by the bank. Great.

Here these are some of the things that an adviser wishes to tell his client, but cannot!

1. When I asked you to sell (index 21000) you said ‘it will go to 25,000. Later on you say “You did not say it strongly enough”.

Man, you are a genius!

2. Every time I ask you to increase the SIP amount you say you cannot. Yet every 6 months you ask me “when can I retire”.

Hey Jerk you cannot retire. Simple.

3. If all the experts on tv are put together you will get your great “Investment confusion plan”.

Please print it and implement it. It can make a great reality show.

4. At no time I can be sure you trust me. Surely the sex appeal of a ‘……….” bank employee I cannot provide. Sorry.

5. We advisers deal with money. That sadly means older people. So our enthusiasm is higher if you are younger and attractive. However the best advise is for the people with bigger cheques. Sorry!

6. Most advisers do not have an adviser. They are just too incompetent!!!

7. When an adviser says you need to have Rs. 5 crores for retiring, he/ she means Rs. 10 – 12 crores. The extra amount is for the stupid things you will do with your money while investing!! If you do not  ‘s#$%w’ around with your portfolio, you will need less!

8. If you really cannot afford my fee I will waive it. But goodammit! you are coming to me for investing!!! You cannot be poor can you?

9. Upwards of 90% of advisers do not have a written financial plan. After all Goldman Sachs believes ‘advise’ is for selling, not adhering.

10. When we meet we agree that bad advisers should be reported – but…..you know how it goes. Where do we start?!

11. When it comes to one family member cheating another MANY of us turn a blind eye….

12. Just because I do not charge you on a per hour basis, it does not mean you can take your phone calls in my room during our meeting!

13. Just because your daughter told you to shift to a Wealth Manager, you shifted your portfolio? You cannot be serious right? Your daughter is an Engineer writing code, what does she know about investing?

14. You cannot be serious right? You shifted your full portfolio from an IFA to a bank because the banker said ‘all your investments will be available in one location’? Are you insane?

15. Hey Joker did you know Subra says ‘Wealth Managers have sales targets, not wealth targets’?