Have been in the RE market for the past 5 months trying to buy a house. Obviously unsuccessfully. However in this period I have met about 5 brokers and they are all SIMILAR in what they say. Mostly they take me to a fellow broker (funny?) who represents the seller.

Here are some of the things that they say….along with what I understand.

1. It is a very quiet location.

What I hear: Even at 6 pm you will not be able to get a rick or a taxi anywhere near!

2. Better to buy here without a bank loan.

What I hear: It is a 20 year old building and the finance companies will not touch it.

3. It is a well managed society.

What I hear: they do not throw chairs at each other at the meeting, only blows are traded.

4. It has a sea view

What I hear: Yes, if you have a 3 foot neck.

5. It has a covered garage.

What I see: Closed only at the top. All the sides are open.

6. The client just rejected an offer for Rs. X

What I hear: We were not sure if he had the ability to pay X Rs.

7. The client is not in a hurry to sell.

What I hear: the client has not been able to sell it for 6 months.

8. The client has reasonable expectation on the price.

My view: about 30% over the last done deal.

9. This location is at a premium

What I hear: Look the house has to be redone completely. All we have is location.

10. You will have to spend some money on the interiors.

What I see/ hear: the internals of the house is so damn bad that you will spend 30% of the cost just to make it livable.

11. The client is going abroad next week, and needs to close asap.

What I hear: he needs the bloody cash, and you can squeeze for a 20% discount even without asking!

12. It has excellent potential for a nice rental income

What I hear: If you are in your right mind, you will not live here.

13. The doctor has asked the client not to live in a house with 3 levels.

What I hear: We are trying to move to a same level house, but it is damn expensive.

14. The previous tenant left without completing the term.

What I hear: You want to sell because you cannot get a tenant!

15. We do not mind renting it out if we cannot sell it.

What I hear: Exactly why it has been on rent for the past 5 years?

16. It is partly furnished.

What I hear: His wife did not want the old sofa and cupboard with peeled doors.

17. The society may not allow your workers to work in the afternoon.

What I hear: your workers will come at 11am and have tea. At 1pm the building manager will ask you to stop work till 4pm. At 6 pm your workers will leave. I dare you to get your work done.

Will you please add your favorites in the comments section?

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  1. Subraji,
    You are a good mind reader it seems. You read the mind of broker nicely.
    My favourites are 9, 16 and 17. Next time I happen to meet a RE broker, what all u said comes to my mind.:)

  2. 18. rates in this locality is quated at x/sq ft.
    what it means – rates of the best locality in the city is x/sq ft

    19. this area is developing very fast.
    what it means – there is not any basic infra. available and u can’t leave there right now.

  3. When Hiranandani built in Powai he called it a Lake view…till u took possession…soon another building was built just in front…blocking your view till he almost built into the lake. So when a builder says ‘lake view’ ask him “how long? “

  4. Point No. 18: Give one lakh token advance today itself or it will be booked by others.

    What I hear: The seller in dearth of money as he cannot sell the property for the last six months or more.

  5. Point 22: out of 1000 flats only these 4 flats are remianing….

    What I hear: go to other broker…. he will show you 7 other flats in the same scheme…and say only these 7 are remaining…

  6. We at least need one home to live in. The rent is 10% increase every 11 month + brokerage + many restrictions – can’t put any nail, something is broken and owner does not want to fix it.

    Owner might want you to move out. Again start the process + brokerage of 2 months.

  7. Corrected Vinit. I am making this mistake very often these days…the teacher who taught me English will be very sad. Apologies. Such stupid mistakes would NEVER pass a decent copy editor…my problem is that I do not edit. And self editing is pretty tough..so I just skip it..and it shows..

  8. 23) If you are not buying it, I am planning to buy it. Since you are good person I showed this property.

    What I hear is,” Kafi din hue koi bakara nahi mila is liye tumhe chipka raha hun”.

  9. Here are some of the selling points and what they actually mean.

    Lake view :-
    It has a dirty smelling cesspool somewhere close where mornings greet you with the local shitters relieving themselves near the lake

    Park View :- A dump yard where everything from the local Koli shops to dead dogs are dumped.

    Close to amenities:- No peace of mind, polluted, drunken men, late night parties.

    Forest View :- A thorny, bushy locality where snakes and wild reptiles thrive.

    Close to NICE Road, NH :- Far away from civilisation.

    Shame on these RE brokers and the people who simply throng behind them just to encourage their evil ways.

  10. If it were in Bangalore, what you will hear from every broker is “The new Infosys campus is coming up just a km away.”. That has been the broker’s pitch for the last 15 years (especially around Sarjapur Road).

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