First of all congratulations for being loyal to Subramoney.com for the past 9 years. You must have swallowed a lot of your pride for all the taunts that had at you. At last due to a lot of public pressure, I am launching my own mutual fund, and I would love you to invest in the same. As a matter of abundant caution, I would like to keep the minimum to Rs. 500 and have no upper limit. However before you call the phone number below, I wish you read this declaration of interest, and statement of alarming incompetence, your stupidity disclosure, and the current market scenario.

• The world markets are currently swollen with unnecessarily printed money
• All assets are over valued – we only do not know relatively which is more over valued
• This is an Overvalue fund and we promise to buy all assets at their overvalued state
• The fund manager is educated at IIT and IIM of course, but we are awaiting his original certificate
• The fund manager recently bought a house in Worli for Rs.  49 crores
• We do not really know too much about fund manager integrity but his last drawn salary was Rs 94 lakhs
• We are extremely competent, but the market can be irrational far longer than we are liquid
• This just means you could lose all your money in the market. If you do, you can go to the regulator
• We do not know of any instance where going to the regulator helped much, but hey you could try
• Markets are volatile. JP Morgan said that about 200 years ago. Its still true.
• If you think Berger Paints is over valued, look at Asian Paints.
• If you think Axis Bank is overvalued, we agree with you.
• If you think Indusind bank is over valued, sorry, but we were unable to buy Hdfc bank, so ….
• If you think YOU deserve the Rs. 94 lakh salary that you are earning, its none of our business
• We have an extremely competent board, fund manager and trustees.
• We know they are competent – see the fees that we pay them
• If you ever bought ULIPs in your life, good. We will charge you less than that
• In a bad recession share prices will go down and then even lower.
• Averaging in a falling market will hurt, and you might bleed real bad, be ready for that
• Our fund managers are extremely honest, they will not make a fake voucher EVER
• One of our fund managers was found with his hand in the cookie jar, we soon sacked him.
• the fund manager we sacked is now abroad and runs a successful India fund
• Successful means he has garnered a lot of money
• Fund industry literature means American Robber baron’s history, be aware
• We buy scary stuff. We bought Infosys at its tech boom
• We have Hul, Nestle, LnT, Hdfc bank recently – damn it, they look so good on our PMS scheme
• When we buy such shares, clients cannot accuse us of incompetence or corruption, right?
• We bought Avenues supermart and funded that by selling Shoppers Stop and Cafe4 Coffee Day
• If we go into a recession for say 4 years our fund managers will not be scared
• Remember our fund managers get a nice salary out of the 2% twashat we charge you upfront?
• Remember it helps if you start with a prayer

Fund has applied for a license on 1 April 2017 and we hope to get the permissions by 1st April 2020. If you have not got scared by what you have read above, I guess you must be in love with your Relationship Manager, and her life depends on you. Do drop in a mail or write in the comments column – we are going to choose the wittiest comment and reward him or her. Why, we may even make him or her our Risk head.