First of all congratulations for being loyal to for the past 9 years. You must have swallowed a lot of your pride for all the taunts that had at you. At last due to a lot of public pressure, I am launching my own mutual fund, and I would love you to invest in the same. As a matter of abundant caution, I would like to keep the minimum to Rs. 500 and have no upper limit. However before you call the phone number below, I wish you read this declaration of interest, and statement of alarming incompetence, your stupidity disclosure, and the current market scenario.

  • The world markets are currently swollen with unnecessarily printed money
  • All assets are over valued – we only do not know relatively which is more over valued
  • This is an Overvalue fund and we promise to buy all assets at their overvalued state
  • The fund manager is educated at IIT and IIM of course, but we are awaiting his original certificate
  • The fund manager recently bought a house in Worli for Rs.  49 crores
  • We do not really know too much about fund manager integrity but his last drawn salary was Rs 94 lakhs
  • We are extremely competent, but the market can be irrational far longer than we are liquid
  • This just means you could lose all your money in the market. If you do, you can go to the regulator
  • We do not know of any instance where going to the regulator helped much, but hey you could try
  • Markets are volatile. JP Morgan said that about 200 years ago. Its still true.
  • If you think Berger Paints is over valued, look at Asian Paints.
  • If you think Axis Bank is overvalued, we agree with you.
  • If you think Indusind bank is over valued, sorry, but we were unable to buy Hdfc bank, so ….
  • If you think YOU deserve the Rs. 94 lakh salary that you are earning, its none of our business
  • We have an extremely competent board, fund manager and trustees.
  • We know they are competent – see the fees that we pay them
  • If you ever bought ULIPs in your life, good. We will charge you less than that
  • In a bad recession share prices will go down and then even lower.
  • Averaging in a falling market will hurt, and you might bleed real bad, be ready for that
  • Our fund managers are extremely honest, they will not make a fake voucher EVER
  • One of our fund managers was found with his hand in the cookie jar, we soon sacked him.
  • the fund manager we sacked is now abroad and runs a successful India fund
  • Successful means he has garnered a lot of money
  • Fund industry literature means American Robber baron’s history, be aware
  • We buy scary stuff. We bought Infosys at its tech boom
  • We have Hul, Nestle, LnT, Hdfc bank recently – damn it, they look so good on our PMS scheme
  • When we buy such shares, clients cannot accuse us of incompetence or corruption, right?
  • We bought Avenues supermart and funded that by selling Shoppers Stop and Cafe4 Coffee Day
  • If we go into a recession for say 4 years our fund managers will not be scared
  • Remember our fund managers get a nice salary out of the 2% twashat we charge you upfront?
  • Remember it helps if you start with a prayer

Fund has applied for a license on 1 April 2017 and we hope to get the permissions by 1st April 2020. If you have not got scared by what you have read above, I guess you must be in love with your Relationship Manager, and her life depends on you. Do drop in a mail or write in the comments column – we are going to choose the wittiest comment and reward him or her. Why, we may even make him or her our Risk head.


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  1. Dear sir,

    Happy to hear about your new initiative. Your experience and knowledge are the need of the hour. I am glad that I came across your post accidentally.

    I will liquidate all my other assets and savings and submit it at your disposal at the earliest. Though I don’t know much about Mutual Funds or share market, I am interested because most of my friends and relatives are talking about them. I have full faith on you sir.

    Only problem is I can’t take out the EPF & PPF money. The idiotic SYSTEM does not allow me take out my own money as and when I wish. All those buggers didn’t tell me anything about that while joining. They said, just sign here, here and here and we will fill the rest. I BELIEVED and trusted them (Saalaa m****r ch****t). How could they do it to me when I am one of their privileged customer. I have INVESTED in most of their product’s like FD, ULIP and Insurance policies.

    I have only two small doubts.
    1. Will I be eligible for the IT rate cut?
    2. I have 5 credit cards with average limit of 1 lakh. Can I invest using them also?

    Kindly reply sir.

    Eagerly waiting for the magic,
    Water Boy

    P.S: as a goodwill gesture, I can arrange for the IIT & IIM certificates (for a fee for others). But of course you are God sent, so I will do it as a favour and will charge you only 50%. I assure you that the cerificates will look more original than the original ones. Just let me know which batch (year), which location and any specialisation required.

  2. I have read all warran buffet quote a past experience..i got very high portfolio also. Like I got dabur because i like because i like their online interface..hpcl because petrol is evergreen business..and axis because they were the only guys who trusted me with a credit card. My current portfolio is up 102% from 2013-2014…so trust me maybe..i know what I am doing…i guess? Please accept my application for your esteemed organization.

  3. I really like your analysis which is full of sarcasm. I follow your blog, your facebook and twitter. However, I fail to understand one thing. One on side, you write such scary blog posts like this one and on the other you publish a book in which you most certainly state (‘guarantee’) that you invest Rs. 40 per day for long and you will retire rich.

    So that Rs. 40/ day will go to these same fund houses no ?


    Would really appreciate your reply.

  4. 1) Is the 94 Lac per month?
    2) If so, how can I become a fund manager? (I can fund my own IIT/IIM certificates 😉)

  5. Karan if you think I guarantee returns and that guarantee is worth anything (even if I do) you need to read much more.

    U need to learn, if u think u can invest Rs. 40 a day in one fund and go off to sleep like Rip van Winkle, think again.

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