When you start life you start very innocently. When a person says ‘I like you’ you believe it. When a person says ‘I love you’ or ‘I respect you’ – you tend to believe it. At a young stage of life or a relationship you do not attribute motives to any such statements.

Then you hear what this person says behind your back. First it is a case of disbelief – you do not wish to believe it. Then somebody else says ‘this person is using your name’. You say ‘Ha a kid…let her do it’. Then she calls for some favor. You do it. Not without expectations (that is the killer). You expect an acknowledgement. It does not come. Well, she must be busy you tell yourself. If you call her a kid, treat her like a kid. So you indulge.

If it is somebody older, you say ‘do not judge’.  If it is somebody moody, you wait for the mood to change. If it is a person going through a painful relationship problem, you wait for it to improve.

Judging causes pain.

Maybe the email did not reach. Maybe she was out of coverage area. You know how bad networks are. Then you get evidence that the relationship is over. It takes time to accept.

Then you feel disappointed. No there was nothing in the relationship to fret, fume, cry over or be worried…but you do all that. Then you realize that it is expectations which has created the disappointment. You are reminded of Kim Eickhoff’s note on disappointments!

Being disappointed is all about perspective. It took me a long time to realize this. I was under the impression that if someone did something I didn’t like, or a situation evolved that I wasn’t happy with, then I had the “right” to be disappointed….. So… how do we change our perceptions?

By becoming more aware of what your perceptions and beliefs are. You cannot change what you do not understand. So spend some time looking internally and when you become disappointed, think about what is disappointing you.   Is it really the situation or the person, or is it because they are not behaving in a way you believe they should behave?
Then slowly as you do this, force yourself to look at the bigger picture of what is going on.   Force yourself to see the situation from a new perspective and offer positive spins on what has happened. I believe that the more you do this, the less you will be disappointed because you will stop taking things so personally.   You will also begin to realize that the way things turn out are the way things are supposed to turn out, whether they are in line with your beliefs or not.You also thank God for sending somebody in your life who taught something about relationships. After all everybody does not come into your life for a life time. All people come for a season, reason or life time. It is all because God wanted to teach you something. So this girl taught you that ‘I respect you’ has no meaning that is all. Acknowledge her contribution to your leaning!!

This will lead you to feeling more in control of your emotions as well as of your behaviors and actions.   You will also be able to use any challenge as an opportunity to grow, develop, and move your life forward, because you will not continuously be knocked down by disappointment.

You also wonder why you gave somebody so much power to disappoint you! After all that power is worth retaining it with you, right? Why give it away?

Of course a different take on the whole thing is to be like Mark Twain. He says ‘When I see a person ending a relationship with me..I realize that the other person’s loss is far greater than mine!’.

So take Mark Twain’s attitude or Kim Eickhoff’s attitude – do not worry, be happy!

 

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  1. Very different kind of post ! A good one ……

    But yes … expectations are a killer ! I read in some book .. which said – don’t judge if an incident is good or bad for you … try to understand what you learnt from it !

    Well .. it is easier said than done ! 🙂

  2. Subra is subramoney autobiographical or is FB autobiographical…or are you just having fun?

    so much on parting, death, …is it age showing up? heard u are planning to run the full in the 2012 scmm? if that is so, it is not age either or…am a little confused, so asking

  3. Hey just having fun..but telling people the following

    1. Expectations cause disappointments
    2. Judging causes pain

    Be in a yogic state of mind. When an event happens or a thought comes to mind, do not process it. Processing leads to judgement..and if the event is not palatable, it causes pain.

    So to avoid pain reduce or kill expectations, and do not process the thoughts that come into your mind. That is all.

  4. Hi Subra. You know I am fan of your blog – but in this post I want my name kept as Anon and my mail id is fake.

    this is a good post, but very parochial, selfish and one-sided. If somebody wants to end a relationship (esp a female) it could be for various reasons:

    she has no time for continuing old relationships, she has started a new relationship with a person who wants to end old relationships.

    other reasons why she may want to end a relationship could be:

    – she never thought she had a relationship (howsoever the other person wishes it be false),
    – she did not like the relationship, but because it was a colleague she did not want to end it. Some of us can pretend through a relationship like a great actress, ask me!!
    – she has decided to end a lot of relationships, and like Peanuts says ‘your name just came up’
    – she has decided to move on in life, and that is all
    – she does not even know she has upset some people, but could not care
    ….and so on…will write more

    However your post should consider the other side too…

  5. On the processing part, this is something that works – when you get inputs do not process them rightaway, give it some time and then process it. helps a lot generally, particularly when the info is not very pleasant.

  6. Anon,

    it could have been a he instead of a she..there is nothing autobiographical here..I guess too late in my life to write about such things – too late to happen and super late to write…!!

    i completely agree with you and also know why ‘A’ keeps in touch with me and not with none of you..in fact I spoke to her last week

    thanks only somebody as close as you could have called it parochial. Not having an editor really shows, does it not? but this is not meant towards any boy or girl…just some gyan

  7. Thanks Subra for this lovely article…I am currently going thru the ‘disbelief’ phase and you have hit the bull’s eye on interpreting what goes on in one’s mind..Your suggestions are helpful too..Thanks once again 🙂

  8. Expectation is the root cause of the problem. Who are we to judge others, we don’t know what is happening with them. Just do our duty without any expectation.DON’T EXPECT.

    I agree with you.Nice article!

  9. Why bother about what I can’t control, I can surely decide how I want to respond. Always start with your self first, the rest will fall in place.

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